


Once Across

by aradian_nights



Series: Training Sessions [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Nonbinary Character, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-03-05 14:57:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3124379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aradian_nights/pseuds/aradian_nights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Oh, Mutsuki, by the way, you'll be beginning your training with Juuzou tomorrow."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once Across

"Oh, Mutsuki, by the way, you'll be beginning your training with Juuzou tomorrow."

It wasn't a particularly shocking order, and part of him had been expecting it, but it still surprised him when the words flew from Sasaki's mouth. So casual and nonchalant, as though he had no idea what kind of anxiety the request was giving Tooru. Actually, maybe he didn't have any idea. Sasaki was very wise and very kind, but sometimes Tooru suspected that even he had difficulty sensing what others were thinking. And Tooru wasn't the type to admit to his discomfort.

"Okay," he'd said, squeezing the hem of his coat beneath the table and nodding firmly. It was necessary.

Now he was reconsidering it. He found himself thinking back to the man he'd witnessed— a child in truth, eccentric and wild and loud and… and this man-child was supposed to teach Tooru how to fight ghouls better. Of course he'd heard the stories of Suzuya, but… even in the stories he was referred to the "problem child" of the CCG. That was a little scary to think about. Why that sort of moniker? A problem child? What on earth could that mean?

As Tooru lay on his bed, watching the adjoining creases in his ceiling where the walls met at corners and in slopes, he realized his fear was nothing but burning curiosity.

It was just like with Sasaki. A vicious, painful ache in Tooru's chest, a need to understand where the man had come from and what made him the way he was, kind but… elusive. It was just like that, except now it was worse, because Tooru didn't know if he'd ever have a chance to speak to Suzuya after this case wrapped up. With Sasaki, Tooru was quiet and patient. He could observe his leader without his leader suspecting just how much he was absorbing, how his nervous tics worked and how his smiles seemed to be too tight.

Tooru didn't think Shirazu or Urie noticed, so he never said anything, and he kept the information to himself.

Could he do the same with Suzuya?

Tooru shifted uneasily, sitting upright in his bed. He could hear the dull thrum of battle music from Saiko's room, the steady rhythm of a daunting boss fight.  _We're the weak links, Saiko_ , he thought, shooting a disdainful look at his reflection in the small mirror that rested on his dresser. He'd taken his binder off to sleep, and even beneath the heavy, swimming fabric of his shirt he could see his the outline of his breasts. It made his stomach squirm.

He slipped from his bed and tip toed to his door, careful not to make any excess noise lest he alert Saiko. Not that he thought she'd particularly care, but it was not a confrontation he wanted. He dug through the pockets of his trench coat, which hung limply on a hook, and he withdrew Ifraft and Abksol. They fit easily in his hands, and he weighed them uncertainly. They'd been so useless against Torso. What could Suzuya teach him that could be  _useful_? Daggers didn't do the type of damage needed to defeat a ghoul. All he'd done when faced against Torso was buy himself some time, and even then he'd been overpowered quickly.

He twirled the daggers, careful of his fingers, and he tried to focus on keeping them spinning as he backed up. On his third step, the daggers collided against each other and went clattering to the floor. Tooru jumped, glancing around his dark room hurriedly, and he dashed back to his bed, climbing back in and throwing his blanket over his head. He listened, waiting for the inevitable rush of feet, the door slam, the frantic questions about his state of health, are you okay, are you okay, what happened?

But no one came.

He relaxed. What was he so afraid of, anyway?

He curled up beneath his blanket and squeezed his eyes shut.  _Sleep_ , he tried to command himself.  _Sleep, sleep, sleep!_  But there was noise inside his head, loud white noise that made him feel removed from the world and this bedroom and that pressure to be useful. He just didn't know what to do, how to be a better ghoul investigator, how to gain approval from the people around him.

Oh, he was so whiny. If he spoke up about his fears, he imagined what people would think of him.  _Oh, he sounds just like a girl. Man up, Mutsuki!_  What a nightmare.

His phone alarm rang, and he realized he hadn't gotten a wink of sleep. He sat up, his body stiff and his eyes droopy. He touched right eye, and he knew his Kakugan was there, gleaming in the dim light. He turned his alarm off, and he slumped. Well. He supposed there were probably worse things than learning knife skills from a pro like Suzuya. Tooru was probably anxious over nothing.

He got dressed hastily, slipping his binder on and adjusting it so it sat firmly on his chest. He buttoned up his shirt, glancing at his reflection, and finally the knot in his stomach seemed to release, and he felt marginally more comfortable. He pulled his eye patch on, pushing his hair out of the way, with his Kakugan out of sight he finally felt somewhat normal.

"Good morning," he called into the kitchen as he passed by, fastening his tie nimbly. He'd waited until he'd heard movement outside his door to come out, careful not to alert them of his all nighter.

"Morning!" Shirazu called back. Sasaki replied in a similar tone, peering over his shoulder at Tooru. Their eyes met, and Sasaki's face fell. Another knot of anxiety formed in the pit of his stomach, and he froze, his breath caught in his throat.  _He knows_ , Tooru thought helplessly.  _He's going to lecture me about getting more sleep. Great._

"Mutsuki," Sasaki reprimanded, turning toward the doorway. He folded one arm across his chest, and he used one finger to motion Tooru over. Without any other choice, he entered the kitchen, hugging his trench coat to his chest.

"Um… yes?" Tooru asked weakly. His neck felt hot. He avoided looking at Shirazu and Urie, focusing his gaze intently on Sasaki's face.

"Did you forget?" Sasaki's brow furrowed a bit.

"Forget…?"

"Your training with Juuzou today," Sasaki reminded, shaking his head. "I told you last night. It really isn't like you to forget so suddenly!"

"Oh!" Tooru shook his head furiously. "No, no! I didn't forget! Why did you think I forgot?"

"Tooru," Shirazu said as gently as possible. For Shirazu, anyway. "You're wearing your normal CCG clothes for training."

"Am I not supposed to…?" Tooru's eyes widened as Urie scoffed. It had truly been a long time since he'd physically trained with anyone. Of course he made sure he was never rusty with his knives, but he'd never practiced fighting with Shirazu or Urie before, and he'd certainly never had a chance to exercise his abilities with an investigator outside the Quinckes.

"Don't worry," Sasaki said, patting his shoulder as Tooru shrunk in embarrassment. "Just wear sweats. It's not a big deal, it's just that you're basically going to the gym and you're wearing office clothes."

"Oh. Okay, well, if you put it  _that_  way," Tooru huffed, bowing his head. "I'll go change."

"Good idea," Sasaki said brightly. "And don't look so nervous! I talked to Juuzou, and he's really excited to work with you!"

 _Is he ever not excited?_  Tooru bit back, nodding instead. He chewed on the inside of his cheek and wandered back to his room, yanking on his tie and closing his eyes. He was being unfair and petulant. Sasaki was never wrong about these things, and if he trusted Suzuya, than Tooru would too. There. Easy. Simple resolve.

He pulled on a simple blue tee shirt and a loose pair of sweat pants. He felt weird knowing he was going to leave the apartment in this. It was like walking around in his pajamas. Did people really do this all the time? Even when he'd been in school he'd made sure that his appearance was neat and presentable. He felt lazy in this. Like Saiko.

"Much better." Sasaki nodded in approval when Tooru entered the kitchen again. "I thought I was going to have to dig something out for you."

"I don't think I'd fit into anything of yours, Sasaki," Tooru laughed.

"Hey, I wasn't always this fit!" Sasaki made a show of flexing his arm, and Shirazu booed loudly.

"No one likes a show off, Sassan!"

Tooru glanced at Urie. He was startled to see him staring at him intently.  _Why are you looking at me like that?_ Tooru bit his tongue, and he sat down without comment. Urie continued to stare, his dull eyes watching Tooru's movements very carefully. It was a little freaky.

"So can we test out your super cool new knife skills when you get back, Tooru?" Shirazu asked, grinning.

"I don't think I'll improve that much with one lesson," Tooru said softly.

"Mutsuki's right," Sasaki said, setting a plate in front of him and then dropping into the chair beside him. "You guys should know it takes a little more than one training session to get better."

"What is this?" Tooru asked vacantly, prodding his steaming breakfast with a fork. He glanced at Shirazu and Urie's plates, and they looked like normal breakfasts.

"I don't know, whatever was in the fridge?" Sasaki smiled sheepishly. "You guys keep forgetting to make up a grocery list, I'm running out of ideas."

"Okay, but… why?"

"You're going to need your strength," Sasaki admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. He looked so sheepish, and Tooru found himself paling. Against Suzuya. That was the unspoken ending to that sentence.

"Okay," he said, reluctantly eating what he'd been served. It tasted really good. He didn't know how Sasaki did it.

Shirazu babbled through breakfast, and Tooru listened intently, nodding every so often to indicate that he was still listening and that he cared. He felt that it was important to give Shirazu that kind of reassurance. Urie certainly wouldn't.

Inevitably it came time for Tooru to leave. He bade them a goodbye and left the apartment, biting his nails as he made his way to the subway. Before he'd left, Sasaki had pulled him aside.

"Juuzou is different," he'd said gently. "I'm not sure what he has planned for today, but when you come home I want you to report any misconduct to me."

"What kind of misconduct?"

"Like if he hurts you."

"But we're just training," Tooru had said confusedly. "Isn't he just supposed to teach me how to use the knives better?"

"Please just tell me if he hurts you, okay?" Sasaki had stared into his eyes, and there was something very serious there. Tooru nodded vacantly.

He sighed as he entered the wing of the CCG building designated for quinque training. He didn't know if he was really up for this. He pulled out his phone to check which gym he was supposed to be in. As he did so, he felt a heavy thrum of a bass drum somewhere nearby. He blinked, drifting closer and hearing the rhythm above the percussion. By the time he reached the door he had his hands over his ears, and he had to shoulder the door open.

"S-Suzuya?" Tooru peeked outside the door to make sure the number was correct. The music was pounding inside his brain. He hadn't expected this. He hadn't even expected Suzuya to show up, honestly.

He stepped carefully into the room. Beneath the unsteady beat, he could hear rapid words. It made no sense to him.

Something tickled the back of his neck, like a soft burst of air, and he whirled around, instinctively throwing up his arms to shield his face as a blur of black swept down before him from a rail above the door. He managed to stumble away from the first startling strike, but his legs were knocked out from under him, and he landed on his back, the heavy bass still crashing in his ears.

His eyes widened as he was pinned down, dark hair blind his left eye and tickling his cheeks. Something was hovering above his adam's apple. Tooru laid very still, thinking fast what to do in this type of situation. The body wasn't very heavy, and it seemed as though they were on even ground with muscle mass. This couldn't end the same as Torso.

And then Suzuya's round, smooth face came into view, and Tooru watched his lips move. He stared. He took a deep breath.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" he bellowed. Suzuya blinked rapidly. He sat up, and Tooru saw the knife in his hand. His mouth parted into a large O, and he jumped to his feet, stepping over Tooru and wandering away.

The music was suddenly much lower in volume, and Tooru sat up, inspecting his throat for any cuts. There were none. He relaxed a little, and he shrunk back a bit when Suzuya appeared before him, laughing as though Tooru had just done the most outrageous thing.

"I said," Suzuya laughed, kneeling beside him, "that you're dead!"

"Oh." Tooru stared. He studied Suzuya's face, noting how childlike it was. Feminine. It was almost… reassuring to see.  _I wonder_ , he thought, a flutter of hope tickling his stomach,  _if he's like me_.

"You don't really look like someone who just died." Suzuya pouted a bit. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Tooru flushed. Had it been that obvious? "Am I looking at you weird?" he blurted.

Suzuya shrugged. "I don't know. Are you?"

"I don't know."

Suzuya laughed again. "You were at the meeting thingy, right?" He sat down, scooting closer to Tooru and crossing his legs. "I saw you with Haise. So you're a Q!"

"Yes." Tooru blinked, trying to understand why he hadn't been briefed before this. "Didn't Sasaki tell you about me?"

"Well, yeah. But this is the first time we've actually met, all official-like, right?" Suzuya tilted his head. "So! We're gonna fight!"

"What?" Tooru asked flatly. "Wait, no, you're supposed to—!"

"Yeah, yeah, fuck that." Suzuya waved his hand furiously. "I hate regulations. The only way you're gonna learn is through experience."

"I don't think I can fight you," Tooru gasped. "I'm really not strong! That's why I'm here, because you need to help me become stronger!"

Suzuya stared at him. He had a vacant look about him, and Tooru was terrified because he could not understand this person at all. Even Sasaki was easier to read. Even Urie.

"Here," Suzuya said, shrugging off his coat and handing it to Tooru. "I've got all my daggers here. Use them against me if you want."

"I couldn't…!" The coat felt really heavy. Tooru was scared to look at the lining. He figured he knew why it was heavy. Whoever Suzuya Juuzou was, this was a dangerous person.

"You're tiny," Suzuya explained, "so you should be fast, right? Right. I'm fast too. Hit me once and I'll buy you sweets. Of course, if I hit you first, you'll have to buy me sweets, which is a way better arrangement, so I'm not gonna hold back  _that_  much."

Tooru slumped. He stared down at Suzuya's coat, and he clutched it nervously. "Do I really have a choice?"

Suzuya glanced at him, looking puzzled. "Yeah, leave if you want." He stood up, turning his back to Tooru. "But…" He dragged out the word so it lasted a few syllables, and it was a sing-song voice that clashed with the harsh rap that still flooded from a speaker in the far corner of the gym. "If you leave, I'm using your wallet to buy  _myself_  sweets!"

"What?" Tooru dropped Suzuya's coat and patted his own, searching the pockets for his wallet. Suzuya's delighted laughter bounced off the walls, and when Tooru glanced, he saw it sitting between two of Suzuya's fingers. "How…? When did you…?"

"I'm keeping this if you leave," Suzuya said, glancing at him. He looked and sounded suddenly very serious. It was alarming.

"Okay…" Tooru stood up slowly, unbuttoning his coat. "Okay, I'll fight you."

"Ah! Yay!" Suzuya beamed at him. "It'll be fun, okay?"

"Okay." Tooru did not believe him one bit.

Suzuya was wearing a baggy black shirt and dark sweat paints that cinched at his knees. Tooru watched his gait, and wondered if he was just imagining that Suzuya was favoring his left side. Yes, Tooru must have imagined it, because suddenly he was bouncing from one leg to the other, humming along to the sound of the rap music. Tooru listened more closely, and his eyebrows rose.

"You like American rap?" he asked.

"Huh?" Suzuya cocked his head back. "This stuff? I like the beat. Do you know what the words are?"

"Um…" Tooru didn't listen to rap, but Shirazu did. It was very loud and very weird, and whenever he asked what the rapper was saying, Shirazu would shrug. "No."

"I'll ask Hanbee, then." Suzuya kicked off his slippers, and he whirled to face Tooru. "Okay. Come at me."

"Is that really the best way to go about this?"

"You ask a lot of questions." Suzuya tapped his foot impatiently. Tooru noted how heightened his voice became.  _What if he_ _ **is**_ _like me? What do I do then? Talk to him about it? Wait, what if he's not a guy? But no, wait_ … Oh, Tooru was confusing himself. "The only way you're going to learn anything is if you stop being scared and just go for it."

"But that's not the problem," Tooru objected. "I'm not scared, I'm just weak!"

"That's an excuse, I think!" Suzuya threw his hands out. "Come  _on_  already! I want to see you fight!"

Tooru sighed. He hesitantly slipped off his shoes, toeing the mat that ran through the expanse of the gym before stepping onto it. He had his daggers at his sides, and he wondered why he was using them on a human, why this was even happening. They should be using fake weapons for training, right? But Suzuya did not object, and Tooru saw no other option. Unless he stole some daggers from Suzuya's coat.

"Ooh!" Suzuya's eyes seemed to sparkle at the sight of Ifraft and Abksol. "Nice!"

"Are you not going to get yours?"

"Don't need to." Suzuya shrugged.

 _I'm doomed_ , Tooru thought sadly.

"Well?" Suzuya's foot drummed impatiently against the mat, matching the rapid beat of the song. "Go!"

Tooru decided he had nothing to lose, so he attacked. He tried to maneuver toward Suzuya's right, noting how his red eyes followed him even though his body had not budged. When Tooru launched his attack, Suzuya kicked the wind out of him and flipped him onto his back without thought. Tooru squeezed his knives as he curled onto his side, gasping in pain.

"Wow, that was like, really bad…" Suzuya looked disappointed. Then he perked up. "Okay, try again! This time, don't hesitate. Oh, and use your body, you're not using your body! You're acting like it's a big glob holding you back, but it's the best weapon you've got!"

 _I hate my body_ , Tooru thought venomously.  _It doesn't do anything right, and it's so frail and awful_. He didn't think Suzuya would understand. But he sat up, ignoring the ache in his stomach, and he watched Suzuya for openings. All Tooru needed to do was get him once.

That's all. Just once.

Tooru ran at Suzuya, faking a swing to his left side and dropping to his knees when a stitched arm came sailing overhead, and his dagger flashed near Suzuya's knee. Tooru was kneed in the face. A burst of pain blew before his eyes, and he dropped a dagger this time to touch his nose gingerly, testing each nostril for blood. There was none.  _Suzuya held back_ , he thought, astonished. And then, horrified, he saw that Suzuya had caught the dagger he'd dropped.

He rolled backwards, listening to the sound of the tough vinyl mat tearing right where his leg had been. He exhaled, wrinkling his nose and wincing. No blood, at least. If there had been blood, that would be a disaster.

"That one was better!" Suzuya sounded very enthusiastic. "But if you're gonna get that close to my legs or arms, get out of the way before I notice."

"Noted," Tooru said thickly, eying the way Suzuya twirled Ifraft between his fingers. Similarly to how Tooru had the previous night. He lifted himself from his crouch, holding his dagger in a reverse grip and keeping his body more open than he had before. He watched Suzuya's movements. He needed to mimic how his body moved. They seemed to be about the same size— Suzuya might've even been a little smaller. Tooru had that advantaged, didn't he? "Did I lose, Suzuya?"

"No." Suzuya looked puzzled as he tilted his head, dark hair flying askew. "Why would you think that?"

"You landed a blow. Doesn't that make you the winner?"

"It has to be with a dagger, though. I thought I said that. Didn't I say that?"

"No."

"Well," Suzuya huffed, "it's got to be with a dagger! I'm teaching you knife stuff, right?"

"Right."

"Well, then it's gotta be a dagger!"

"Okay." Aside from the stomach and headache, Tooru had to admit that this was better than what he'd been expecting. He approached tentatively, and he realized that with the dagger, Suzuya could easily end this. He slid aside when Suzuya's knife flashed, and he ducked, jumping on the defensive as he avoided strike after strike, listening for the familiar whistle of metal through the air. Tooru could tell Suzuya was holding back. But the strikes were coming faster, and Tooru was gaining momentum, finding a pattern in the way the knife slashed up at him. He caught Suzuya's wrist and wrenched his arm away, using the split second he had to headbutt him.

They both stumbled back, and Tooru groaned, holding his forehead.

"Owie," Suzuya said flatly, as though he didn't really know what else to say. He looked more stunned than hurt. "That wasn't nice."

"You kneed me in the face!" Tooru flushed, biting his tongue very hard. Suzuya was an Associate Special Class Investigator! Tooru couldn't talk to him like that! He straightened up and bowed his head. "I'm sorry."

"He he." Suzuya's sharp giggle made Tooru look up in alarm. "You're a lot like Hanbee."

"Is that… a good thing?"

"Maybe. Not really. Doesn't your head hurt now?" Suzuya looked curious. As though he wasn't sure of what he was saying.

"Yeah, a bit." Tooru rubbed his forehead. There was a bruise forming. Hopefully it'd heal fast so he could avoid telling Sasaki. He had to admit, landing a blow on Suzuya had felt  _good_. Now he just had to do it with the knife.

"We can stop." The way Suzuya said it made it sound like a formality. Like that was just something he felt like he had to say.

"No." Tooru brought up his dagger still clenching it in a reverse grip, and he took a deep breath. "I want to beat you."

Suzuya's eyes widened. They were red and big and strange, mildly terrifying in fact, but Tooru felt satisfaction in the genuine surprise that glowed within them. And then he felt horror when Suzuya's face split into a malicious grin.

"Okay," he said brightly. "Then I won't hold back this time!"

 _That's not what I meant, that's not what I meant, that's not what I—!_  Tooru squeaked, narrowing avoiding an uppercut from his own blade, and he found himself running around Suzuya, carefully avoiding any close range strikes. He was fumbling to find a way to get around the rapid flash of the knife, and he had no idea how he'd dodged it for this long. He remembered fighting Torso, how exhilarating that had been, and he bit his lip, ducking another swipe and winding back, kicking off the mat and sliding away from a jump attack.

This wasn't fair at all. Suzuya was one of the CCG's best! How was Tooru supposed to land anything when…

He'd lost. He'd thought too much about the acceleration of Suzuya's strikes, how they only got quicker as time went on, and he'd been so enrapt in trying to understand the physics of it all that he'd tripped on his own feet. A blow caught him, ripping open his side, and all Tooru could think as the blood seeped through his shirt was,  _How the hell am I going to hide this one from Sasaki?_

Tooru breathed heavily, squeezing his eyes shut and putting pressure on the wound. He had to feel for it, grimacing as his entire side was enveloped in pain, and when his fingers came in contact with the warm, sticky blood, and had to bite his tongue. There was a lot of it. He supposed no one had told Suzuya that he was anemic, so he bled a whole lot. He supposed it didn't really matter now.

"Oops," Suzuya said weakly. "I overdid it."

Tooru groaned, and he listened to Suzuya's feet against the mat. He seemed to be chiding himself, or something, speaking softly under his breath. When Tooru heard him kneel beside him, he opened his eyes. Suzuya moved his hand, and then, to Tooru's horror, he pulled up his shirt.

This was happening too often. Of course he couldn't blame Suzuya for it— Suzuya thought he was a guy, and naturally guys had nothing to hide under their shirts. But it just felt awful to be found out, especially like this.

"What is that?" Suzuya's voice was muffled, and when Tooru finally looked up at him, he saw a needle wriggling between his teeth. He was applying pressure to Tooru's wound with ease, as though he'd done this a thousand times before.

"A…" He swallowed thickly, feeling ashamed. "A binder."

"Does it keep your organs in or something? From that scar?" Suzuya seemed very preoccupied with the open wound, and his eyes didn't even seem to be on the binder, let alone lingered there.

"No, it's… it's to… keep my chest flat…" This was humiliating.

He shot his face a quizzical glance. "I don't get it," he declared.

"I…" Was Suzuya mocking him? "I don't know how else to describe it, it's just… to keep my breasts hidden, I don't…"

Suzuya froze for a moment, and blinked at him. "Oh," he said. "You're a girl."

"No." Tooru sat up, ignoring the blinding pain in his side, and he exhaled very sharply, grasping his dagger tightly and gritting his teeth to calm himself. "I am  _not_  a girl."

Suzuya stared at him. "I don't get it," he repeated. "Did… someone tell you that…?" Suzuya leaned forward intently. "Are you just saying that?"

"No." Tooru held the back of Abksol to Suzuya's throat, his eyes narrowed. "It's not the type of thing that I let other people dictate for me."

Now Suzuya looked surprised. "I really don't get it," he said, blinking wildly. "Can't you explain?"

"I'm trans," Tooru said, his face heating up. Now Suzuya just looked more puzzled.

"Trans… means across, doesn't it?" Suzuya leaned back, puffing out his cheeks. "Like transcontinental or… transpacific…"

Tooru bit his tongue. He couldn't say anything nasty or sarcastic, he couldn't, not to Suzuya. His rank was too high.

"I'm transgender." Tooru took a deep breath. He felt a bit dizzy.

"Across gender?"

"I identify as a different gender than the one assigned to me at birth," he said mechanically. This was not the first time he had to explain it, and he knew it would not be the last.

Suzuya's mouth dropped open. "You can just  _choose_?"

"Well… yes…?" Tooru lowered his dagger, feeling a bit guilty for raising it. Suzuya sat very still. Tooru had to wonder what he was thinking. "It's actually a lot more common than you'd think."

"I didn't know that." Suzuya slumped a little. Tooru stared at him. The music had turned off at some point during their fight. Perhaps the ipod had died. And as he stared at Suzuya, he realized.

"Do you…?" Tooru didn't know how to say it. He'd never been in this position before. "I mean, do you know what I'm talking about…?"

"What?"

"Like…" Tooru didn't have anything but his knife to clench nervously. "Like, are you… a boy…?" He winced. He could almost feel the glare before it came. But to Tooru's surprise… it didn't.

"I don't… know…" Suzuya was staring intently at him.

"Are you a girl?"

"I don't  _know_." Suzuya wrinkled their nose. "What if I'm both?"

"That's okay!" Tooru had never had this type of conversation with anyone, and his heart was thudding very fast because he was so excited to have someone who he could relate to. "It's okay to feel like you're both."

Suzuya rolled the needle between their fingers, and they looked like a lost child as they frowned. "What if I'm neither?" they asked softly.

"That's okay too."

"That's okay?"

"Yes."

Suzuya gaped. Tooru had no idea what type of environment they'd grown up in, if the CCG had raised them like they'd raised Tooru or if it'd been something different, but he knew that it had to have been damaging.

"So," Suzuya said, "what if I feel like a boy one day and a girl another? What if I feel like I'm neither until something… happens… or what if—"

"All of that is okay," Tooru said firmly. "It's okay."

"But then why did they tell me it wasn't?"

"Who told you that?"

Suzuya pursed their lips, and they said nothing. They pulled the now red cloth that had been sitting on Tooru's stomach away, and it revealed a scabbed over line about a centimeter thick. Suzuya tilted their head, and they hummed.

"I forgot," they said holding up the needle. "I was gonna sew it up for you."

Tooru's eyes traveled to the threaded lines on their neck and arms, and they smiled weakly, feeling vaguely sick. "No, that's okay. Thank you."

"So," Suzuya said, rocking back and forth idly, "does this make me across gender too?"

"Transgender," Tooru corrected gently. "And you can be whatever gender you want to be."

"Huh." They poked their thumb with the needle. Tooru almost chided them for how unsanitary that was with Tooru's blood on their hands and all. "Whatever I want?"

"Yes. I can't tell you what gender you are, Suzuya." Tooru shrugged half-heartedly, feeling exhausted and a little sick. "Nobody can."

"Huh." Suzuya tilted their head back, bobbing it from side to side. Tooru pulled his bloody shirt down so it covered the wound. There was, of course, no getting this past Sasaki. But Tooru didn't want Suzuya to get in trouble. Sure, he'd used an excessive amount of force, but Tooru felt that it had been constructive. To say the least.

"I should probably head home now," Tooru said, gathering his daggers. He wiped Ifraft off on his shirt, not really caring at this point. There was blood all over it anyway. God, it was awful. Tooru's stomach clenched up, and exhaled sharply through his nose.

"What? No, no!" Suzuya waggled a finger in Tooru's face. "You're buying me sweets first!"

"But…" Tooru sighed in defeat. What could he do? "Oh, okay."

Suzuya cheered, and Tooru was left to wonder if this person was truly older than him, or if they were just childish by nature.

By the time Tooru had bought Suzuya a raspberry shaved ice, he knew the wound had healed. It probably hadn't been very deep in the first place. In fact, Suzuya probably hadn't used much force. Tooru just bled  _a lot_.

"Aren't you going to get yourself one?" Suzuya asked him, their mouth already blue, ice clinging to the red thread sewing into their lower lip. Guiltily, Tooru bought himself one of the same flavor.

"Do you think I got any better?" Tooru asked as they walked in the direction of the Q's apartment.

Suzuya shrugged, the animated sounds of their tongue slurping up the shaved ice their only reply. Tooru stared at him, and then stared forward. This had to be something he'd get used to, right?

"So… I'm going home…" Tooru glanced at them. They continued to eat their treat noisily. "I have to report what happened back to Sasaki, but I'll tell him that it was an accident."

"That's stupid," Suzuya said, smacking their lips. "It wasn't an accident. I wanted to hurt you."

That shot a chill down his spine, but Tooru ignored it. "I'm just going to tell him what won't worry him," he explained. Suzuya glanced at him curiously, and Tooru realized that they really were a little smaller than him. "Do  _you_  want to tell him that you stabbed me, Suzuya?"

He'd meant it teasingly, but Suzuya just shrugged. "Yeah, sure, why not?" They tossed their cone into a garbage can, stretching their arms above their head. "I want to talk to Haise!"

Tooru shifted awkwardly from foot to foot. "About me?" he asked uncertainly.

Suzuya laughed, but he didn't really respond. Tooru threw his cone out at well, and he examined his hands. He'd washed them, but they were still smeared with blood in the creases of his skin, and now there was a mix of blue syrup along the dark grooves. He wrinkled his nose.

"I'm sorry," Tooru told Suzuya when they arrived at the apartment. "That talk about gender… you can forget it if it makes you uncomfortable. I think I got carried away."

" _You_ got carried away…?" Suzuya laughed some more, and this time it seemed truly mocking. "If you say so!"

Tooru pressed his lips together. He just didn't know. His anxiety had returned, but it was much less intense than it had been the night before. And, honestly, he was exhausted and nauseous. He shouldn't have eaten anything.

"I'm home," he called, letting himself into the apartment. He left his shoes at the door while Suzuya just walked right in with their black slippers and their black jacket and their black hair and their red eyes gleaming brightly. "Sasaki?"

The man poked his head out from the kitchen. He beamed at them, blinking in surprise. "Hello, Mutsuki. Juuzou."

"Haise!" Suzuya cried, starting forward with their arms outstretched. Sasaki walked out to meet him, holding up his hands.

"I don't have any snacks on me right now, Juuzou, I'm sorry." Sasaki smiled weakly as Suzuya wilted a bit, slumping and frowning.

"Oh," Suzuya said. "Well. That's okay, I guess. That means we're even for me stabbing Mutsuki!"

"What?" Sasaki asked flatly.

"Oh boy," Tooru muttered, closing his eyes.

"Ha ha!" Suzuya rocked back on their heels. "Yeah, I got a little excited. No harm done, though! It's probably all healed up by now… I guess. I don't know how it works, but I've killed enough ghouls to make a nice guess. So!" Suzuya clapped Tooru on the back, and he jumped. "See, I brought him back in one piece, just like I promised."

"But I said not to go hard on him," Sasaki said, looking vacantly at the space between Suzuya and Tooru.

"It was a mutual blood lust, I think," Suzuya said firmly. Tooru looked at them, gaping openly.

" _What_?" he squeaked.

Suzuya smiled brightly. "Don't you remember?" they asked innocently. "You said you wanted to beat me. Well, you didn't. But you did come pretty close to slitting my throat, which was really cool! Good job!"

Tooru didn't know what to say. He wouldn't have slit Suzuya's throat, that had just been a reflex. He'd been hurt and called a girl, and at that point Tooru was so defensive that he took the offensive.

"Did you really, Mutsuki?" Sasaki asked, his eyes widening a bit.

"I…" He bowed his head in shame. "Well… yes, but…"

"That's really amazing!" Sasaki looked so pleased to hear that Tooru had improved that he simply couldn't admit to the fact that it'd been a bit of a fluke. "Of course, I'm still not sure if I approve of your methods, Juuzou."

Suzuya shrugged. "Mutsuki, did you have fun?" they asked without looking at him. Tooru glanced at them.

"Honestly…" He flushed. "Aside for being terrified… yeah. Surprisingly. And aside from being stabbed, I guess."

"You guess?" Sasaki frowned. "Mutsuki, let me see where you were stabbed."

 _Is that really necessary…?_  he thought. Instead of objecting, he unbuttoned his coat and flattened out his stained shirt. "The wound is gone," he said.

"That's a lot of blood."

"It happens."

"Do you know how deep the cut was?"

"Not very," he admitted. "And besides, I'm fine now."

Sasaki didn't look convinced.

"Okay, well, I gotta go!" Suzuya lifted their hand to mock salute them. "Got some important stuff to do! So, Mutsuki, we'll do this again soon, right?"

Tooru stood, absolutely stunned. He had not expected Suzuya to be so willing to teach him another lesson. "Oh," he gasped. "Yeah, sure!" He was sure part of him wouldn't regret it. The other part would probably end up bleeding profusely, but that's okay. He probably needed to get used to that.

"Good!" Suzuya waved goodbye, all but skipping out of the apartment.  _They're so strange_ , Tooru thought, tilting his head.

"That was really weird," he admitted to Sasaki.

"Yes," Sasaki agreed. "I've never seen Suzuya take to someone like that before."

"What do you mean?"

Sasaki laughed, and he shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. It's just, it took a whole lot of bribing for him to pay any real attention to me. But with you… well, he walked you home. That's completely unexpected of Juuzou." Sasaki folded his arms across his chest. "Though, he is a very unexpected person. It's difficult to predict anything from him."

Part of Tooru wanted to correct Sasaki's pronoun use, but he knew he didn't have a right, and he didn't know what Suzuya wanted, so he had to keep his mouth shut.

"I can't speak for Suzuya," Tooru said, passing by the kitchen and shooting a look at Shirazu and Urie, who were both crouched by the doorway, eavesdropping. "But regardless, I'm glad I went. I learned a lot. And… you know, maybe they did too."

**Author's Note:**

> This is really self-indulgent. From the moment I saw Sasaki suggest that Mutsuki learn knife handling from Suzuya, I was like, THAT'S IT. THAT IS ALL I NEED IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. LET IT BE. But it took too long to happen so I wrote it. I'm so rusty at writing one shots, but I needed to write this.
> 
> I know a lot of people don't consider Suzuya's gender and use he/him pronouns because the manga does, but I've thought about it a lot, and I use gender neutral pronouns. I don't expect anyone else to, and yeah, he/him is easier, but I guess it just boils down to Suzuya's mind and how it works. I used he/him for them for most of the fic, which was difficult, and by the time I switched pronoun usage it was difficult to switch BACK. Which really goes to show how easy it is to learn and unlearn pronouns. 
> 
> Also, I really need to note that I'm cis. If there's anything portrayed wrongly, or if I misunderstood something, I'd really appreciate feedback so I can fix my mistake.
> 
> (i didn't look up the word for transgender in japanese, and i understand there's probably a language mishap, but i've chosen to ignore that)


End file.
